Bait

The most frightening thing I have ever seen is the Gulf of Mexico from space.  It is circular.  A circle is a crater.

*-*

The hunter waited. A terrifying brilliant ferocious huge man eating tiger, he chuckled, very quietly of course.  It was just another job.  Once it is a money matter, it becomes so simple.  The goat was bleating plaintively on its’ tether.  All as it should be.  He cradled the rifle in his arms thinking about how he would spend the money and with whom he would spend it. He startled, looked at the goat, it was still there.  What was wrong?  The goat was sitting.  It was quiet.  Too late, the hunter realized the goat was staring at him. His position revealed, he felt the tiger’s breath.

*-*

One place to look for aliens is dust. Large successful alien civilizations left a lot of trash, at least at some periods of their development. The difficulty is that chemists usually start by burning or dissolving their samples. Finding a Teflon molecule in moon dust or an arctic ice column seems definitive. Just as we don’t yet have the technology to understand advanced communication, we probably won’t recognize alien detritus. When we do, it will seem obvious even common.

*-*

-People have seen flying saucers.

-People have seen the Virgin Mary.

-That’s not real.

-More people have seen the Virgin Mary than have seen flying saucers.

-It’s not the same.

-The people who see the Virgin Mary sneer at the people who see flying saucers.  The people who see flying saucers sneer at the people who see the Virgin Mary.  If you see both you’re a Mormon.  Just because people see something, doesn’t make it so.

-Why would they make it up?

-Loss of faith; people want to believe in something.

-What about the aircraft carrier visits?

-Excellent example, here we are waving nuclear reactors over the ocean. Why would we prefer a visitation over an admission of ignorance of the physics?

-You think it’s all made up.

-That’s the most likely explanation.  It’s very unlikely that someone came all the way from Andromeda just to drain somebody’s sinuses. It’s an order of magnitude more likely that they are from the neighborhood.

-Where?

-Atlantis, it’s not likely. However, a higher level of primate is certainly more probable than aliens.

-Wouldn’t we know?

-Why would they tell us?

-Why would they let us live?

-Good point.  Primates are sometimes kind to each other, much less to other primate species.  They could be that different I suppose.  It’s more likely some small difference that gives them a big advantage.  Maybe they don’t have our resistance to disease.  Maybe they are moving forward in time until we wipe ourselves out. If it’s just us and them, why are we still here?

-So much for that theory.

-If it’s just us and them, they wouldn’t keep us around.

-Why would they otherwise?

-Bait.

*-*

He stared at the blue planet.  Other species might sneer at the windows in their craft, at his species sense of wonder, now the windows were essential to their plan.  That planet had once been their home.  Then they met the Federation.  They had prospered with the Federation, assured themselves some measure of perpetuity, now it was time to pay their dues.

For thousands of years they had groomed the planet, allowed that other primate species, humans to have it.  It was horrifying to watch.  They had protected them from intrusion, waiting for this moment.  Now the enemy was approaching, a ghastly foe that enslaved the universe.

 

Their own craft was equipped with manual air systems, not the slightest electronic indication.  They waited for the enemy to materialize from their jump gates.  First the scouts came, next would come the huge behemoth ships.  Each jump gate had its own planet. After their experience in an earlier engagement the enemy made its jumps in two large waves.

 

The plan was after the scout wave, to power up and fire as one.  The destruction of such a huge ship in a jump gate would devastate its’ host planet.  Without their gates, the enemy would be helpless and the Federation could finally drive this scourge back into the darkness.

 

In the distance, they could see the haze that indicated the arrival of the behemoth enemy ships.  He stared at the planet and wondered if it would survive.  There were bright red lights shining from the planet.  He squinted. As he looked around, he gasped.  Each of their ships was glowing red.  The humans were shining lasers at their ships.

-Those bastards lit us up!

He screamed.

Stump Treatment

The slush piles are brimming with Trump stories. If I were a reader I would filter out anything with Trump in it, just as I do click bait. The premise for this one is that the Russians are disgusted with the lack of return on their investment. Envision Putin ranting. Not sure who to cast for Putin. Perhaps a computer generated image. He could sue but the argument is that his persona is in the public domain. Do the same thing with Trump. The lawsuit would be good publicity. If we can’t say Trump, say Stump, Putin; Putting. The joke is that Putin is speaking extremely vulgar Russian, or even breaking into heavily accented English but the sub titles are very proper. Maybe this will keep a PG rating. The title is rolling while Putin screams obscenities. 

-We can’t even get his fucking briefing books.

-There’s no actionable intelligence.

-We have the briefing books.

-You ugly ass wipe, that’s not the point. That fat shit can’t read.

-What use is he, if he can’t read?

I’m on it.

-You know what you’re on? I’ll tell you what you’re on…

Next scene is the Jefferson Memorial. Spies always meet at the memorial, typical Russian agent speaking to his American asset. The Russian sounds Russian; the American has a strong regional accent.

RA-We need a school teacher.

AA-What?

RA-Reading, they have to be able to teach anyone to read.

AA-I’ll ask around.

Scene of school teacher in second grade, things are going poorly. I see her as black. Get some teacher focus groups, opportunity for school teacher jokes, reading jokes, ADHD jokes, dyslexia jokes, spy jokes, Russian jokes, and harassment jokes.

School teacher walks into a bar:

ST-I’ll have a martini. I’ll have a martini with an olive in it. I’ll have a martini with gin and vermouth.

The American Asset hands her an envelope.

AA - Ten thousand, cash.

She puts the envelope in her bra.

ST - Just you?

AA-I work for the Russian government, we need a school teacher. Trump has to read.

ST - This all I get?

AA - One hundred thousand when you are done.

ST-You can get me in the White House?

AA - No problem. When do you start?

ST-I’ll get to Washington tomorrow, I don’t usually educate adults.

AA-Issue?

ST-No.

School teacher walks into principal’s office.

ST - Taking three weeks’ vacation starting tomorrow.

P- You can’t.

ST – Four weeks.

P-Who will sub?

ST - You?

P-I’ll get you. You won’t have a job when you get back.

ST - Fuck the job.

P-What about the kids?

ST - Fuck the kids.

School teacher talking to her class:

-I am going to miss all of you beautiful children, but it’s only for a short time, while I learn to be a better teacher for you. Meanwhile you will have the principal teaching you. He knows so much. I know you will be just as considerate of him as you are of me. It has been a few years since he has had the joy of actually teaching a class so you will have to help him in the beginning. This will be so much fun for you.

WH scene:

The WH aide is describing the atmosphere of harassment.

ST-I’ve taught eighth grade.

Oval Office:

ST - Give me your alphabet.

Trump: This is bullshit, look how far I’ve gotten without it.

ST-alphabet.

T-singsong alphabet.

ST-vowels.

T-AEIOU

ST-and?

T?

ST-sometimes Y.

T-I before e except after c.

ST-That’s right. What’s this? Here read this speech.

T-I just put it in Word and it reads it to me.

ST-You have a good memory. Read it for me.

T-The words fall apart.

ST - Look out the window.

T-What?

ST – Look out the window, tell me what you see.

T- Bushes, somebodies head, the fence, columns.

Trump loses interest starts looking around the room.

ST-What do you see in the room?

T-My desk, what’s the point?

ST - Look at the window again.

T- Still bushes.

ST-Don’t look out the window.

Trump looks out the window.

ST-Don’t look at your speech.

T- The purpose of this speech is to…

ST- That’s good. Look away when you lose it; then look back.

T - Explain our position in Iran. This is a stupid speech.

ST – It is stupid.  Keep at it.

Trump looks away at every word.

T- The…United…States…Must…Show… a…firm…resolve…I can’t keep doing this.

ST-This is how you start. It isn’t easy, keep at it.

T- To ensure that Iran does not return to the nuclear option. Together…This is our policy? The whole thing is just a shakedown of Saudi Arabia.

ST-Isn’t this easier than remembering?

T-I’m not going to say this shit.

ST - well no. You’ve made some progress. I’m leaving this book here. I got it from your library, it belonged to Kennedy.

T-What is it?

ST-What does it say?

T- Hornblower? Ship of the line.

ST-I don’t want you reading this until tomorrow. You might hurt your eyes. Wait for me and we will look at it together. OK?

Or maybe do product placement on dyslexia software, or the Russians can bring in an optometrist.

Melania talking to a man with his feet up on a desk:

MT-He’s reading a book.

Man-He’s not tweeting.

MT yells-He’s reading a book.

Man-I’ll get on it.

Develop Melania Trump, show her running White House, deciding policy.

School Teacher walks into Oval Office holding another book.

ST-Let’s start on Hornblower.

T- Read it.

ST-Did not. How did it end?

T-He got captured.

ST-You read the end.

T-He isn’t much of a hero.

ST- Whoa, comprehension? No he isn’t.

T-They give this to kids?

ST-More in the library, it’s a series.

T on the computer-It wants a password, I already logged on.

ST looks over his shoulder- Try your logon password. Washington?

T-What’s this?

ST-A PDF, must’ve scanned something.

T-What is this?

ST- Handwriting.

T- How do you read it?

ST- Write something for me.

Trump prints Fuck You.

ST- Do it again, but don’t raise your pencil.

Trump does it; then reads the screen – I had no idea it would come to this. I just wanted to save my plantation. Before you judge, you are now in the same predicament.

Trump has trouble with predicament - I’m reading out loud.

ST-That’s how you memorize. When you want to remember, read it aloud.

T-I don’t want to memorize all of it.

T keeps reading – Washington is an asshole.

ST- Got another book from the library. Jefferson owned this.

T-What is it?

ST-What does it say?

T-Wealth of Nations, what’s it about?

ST- about 700 pages, economics.

T- I’m reading this first.

ST-OK

School teacher at Jefferson memorial with white house aide:

WHA-He’s tweeting about presidents, Washington asshole, Adams stooge, Jefferson back stabbing SOB.

ST-He’s reading something they each left for the next presidents, in handwriting.

WHA- Here’s your 100,000 check.

ST putting it in her bra-Should be a million.

WHA-Stick around, I’ll ask.

ST- Maybe I’ll give him Black Like Me.

WHA - Uncle Tom’s Cabin.

ST- Not Malcolm X.

WHA- Mockingbird.

Two suits, one is fiddling with an Epipen:

-Why do the Russians want him to read?

-Commies are into that.

-They’re not commies.

-Whatever.

School teacher walks into the Oval Office:

T-Eisenhower was smart.

ST-No progress with Smith?

T-They had corn in England?

ST-Corn means cheapest grain, horse feed, like gasoline today.

T-He’s talking about inflation?

ST-Yes

T- 300 years ago.

ST-Yes

T-Isn’t this just the market place is great?

ST-You haven’t read it. He wasn’t stupid.

T-Briefing books suck. Eisenhower said they were stupid. What’s after Smith?

ST-Marx

T- Commie?

ST- Yes, you already kind of know his stuff.

T- After that?

ST- Keynes. Then Samuelson’s textbook.

T- Problems?

ST - Well yeah.

T-That’s it?

ST- Mandelbrot, I guess. He wrote a short one about finance. Graham and Dodd

T-Why should I know economics?

ST-So they don’t game you.

T-Everybody’s bluffing.

ST-Yes

T-I thought you’d bring in Mockingbird.

ST-Couldn’t find it in your library. I don’t think knowledge cures racism.

T-Thank you

ST-You’re welcome. Are we done?

T-I think I need to see you for a while.  This network doesn’t have much.

ST - Really?

T-They want me to install something.

ST-You have to trust them.

T-Why wasn’t it installed already?

ST-Don’t know.

T-You didn’t start me with the first Hornblower.

ST- No

T-I got it from the library.

ST-good

Include bits where the teacher tries to give socialization training. Anne Frank’s Diary, Huckleberry Finn, University of Pennsylvania joke

Have a late night host do a bit on Trumps tweets about the presidents. Give them script credit.

There is a big argument in a White House corridor. People are gathering to watch. The school teacher is rubber necking on the edge of the crowd. A suit swings at the school teacher with the Epipen.  The teacher sees it, grabs his hand before he hits her, stamps on his instep with her high heel, switches hands on her grip, and hits him in the elbow twisting his arm as she kicks out his knee. The teacher grabs the Epipen and stabs the suit with it, walking off holding the pen. People start to notice the man collapsed behind them.

School Teacher talking to White House Aide at the aides’ desk:

WHA- Colyer had a heart attack.

ST drops the Epipen in the aides’ trash-I was supposed to have one.

WHA-You took Colyer? He’s NSA.

ST - Playground duty. Trump wants me to hang out. Million?

WHA-It’s approved. Up to you when you leave

Bit about Trump telling secrets and no one believes him.

Oval Office, Trump alone. Obama’s voice comes on background. Maybe Obama would do it, now that the letter is public. It would be fun to have Bush senior give advice to Clinton; maybe he would do his own.  Doubt you could get Carter. Bush junior started doing this publicly, my guess is that it goes all the way back.

O-reads his letter.

T tweets- What a prig.

School Teacher walks in.

T-Obama is a prig.

ST-He’s a good student

T-What I said. I found a cool directory.

ST-They want you to know something.

T- Not sure.

ST-What will you write to your successors?

T- Something short.

ST-I think you have a lot to say.

T- Tell them to read Eisenhower, FDR; Hoover. Teach you’re fired. I’m very grateful to you. My time is valuable. You have a nice figure.

The school teacher leaves.

School Teacher at White House Aides’ desk:

T- Fired.

WHA hands ST envelope, ST looks at it and puts it in her bra.

ST walking down White House hall. Secret Service agent takes out pistol and shoots her in the head. Checks her pulse, puts down the gun as people come out of their offices.

SSA- Ohmigod, it just went off. I was just checking my gun.

News show, talking heads:

-A school teacher was killed by accident today at the White House.

-Was she working there?

-Advisory position.

-Conspiracy?

-Conspiracy to kill a school teacher?

In the television series the school teacher would live, giving a different lesson each episode. In the musical this would be a crescendo. Merchandising includes flashcards.

Jefferson Memorial, White House Aide is sobbing, comforted by Russian Agent.

RA-It’s not our first school teacher.

Trump is talking at a rally:

T-Kennedy Killing? Everybody knows that…

<fade>

Writers Workshop

One of the first things you notice is how autobiographical most of the material is.  I guess people write about the things that matter to them.  One time this guy brought a fairly long manuscript, we are only supposed to read a few pages; he started at the beginning and read all the way to the end.  It was about child molestation.  At first I was surprised by his imagination, and then it occurred to me that he might actually know his subject.  My stomach turned.  No one interrupted him or asked him to cut it short.  Perhaps the material was gripping or perhaps like me they had all shut down.  I don’t remember what he said.  At the end he shoved his manuscript back into its manila envelope and awaited our comments.  A woman across from me took out a small pistol and shot the man through his forehead.  The man next to me said:

-Mine is really short.

One Shot Mosquito

My job is to find some way to keep the mosquito from spreading malaria.

Mosquitoes evolved from biting flies.  Over time, they developed efficient ways to extract blood, and became dependent on it for the nutrients for breeding.  Their life cycle hints at a difficult and complex evolution.  They are the essential vector for malaria.  Malaria also has a complex life cycle hinting at a complex evolution in the company of the mosquito.

There has been a lot of futile research attempting to attack malaria directly.  The research is futile because of malarias’ different life cycle changes. The plasmodium parasite has too many life stages.  Singling out any particular one leaves the others and your medicine fails.   If you wish to attack malaria then you must attack the mosquito.

Malaria is one of the major detriments to human progress in the world.  The genetic human disorder of sickle cell disease evolved as a natural defense to the scourge of malaria.

In a time when so many species have perished in the face of human encroachment the mosquito persists, even thrives.  Perhaps someday we will eradicate this annoying and dangerous parasite.  There is no shortage of species of fly, the loss of one or two would not be missed.

You may be surprised at the altruism of drug companies and foundations willing to sponsor research that has so little potential for profit.  Well you should be. It is the treatment of disease, rather than eradication that is profitable.  But it has become vital for the development of the oil reserves in Africa, in particular Somalia, for us to be seen as benefactors rather than mere colonialists.  A victory in this area would more than justify the investment if it were properly presented and packaged.

-How can we help you my African brothers?  Oh I know, research!

The effort itself may well be rewarded.  Success could lead to development of previously inhospitable jungle.

 Then we could worry about the ecological impact.

What can we do?  The mosquito feeds, lays eggs, then repeats the process.  The repetition spreads disease.  How often does the mosquito repeat its egg laying?  Not that often, the laying of eggs requires tremendous effort.  It is the feeding that the mosquito repeats.  How to minimize the occurrence of feeding?  It must have bigger meals. Then it must compete with its sipping cousin for habitat, crowding it out.

What astounding arrogance to redesign such a perfect and well-adapted organism.  We do it all the time with many different species.  But it is amazing.  How to select for the quality I desire?  Provide the mosquitoes with a short meal and then keep the ones that breed.  Then repeat the process.  It’s not enough of course.  Simply stressing one quality does not assure the adaptability and survival of the variety we seek.  We can create hybrids of various species, all the while testing for improvement. 

Now that we have the genome mapped, we can create throwbacks, ancient varieties, evolutionary dead ends that may be more successful in meeting our criteria.  We tend to think of evolution as a process of optimization.  It is really more of a process of accommodation.  All sorts of possibilities have been tested, but not necessarily fairly or on their own merits.

With luck and of course persistence and some resourcefulness it was created: the perfect one-shot mosquito.  Malaria would be at an end.  Imagine the euphoria.  It is  rare that we have an opportunity in our professional lives to actually accomplish something.  People take pride, as best they can, in whatever accomplishments they may have.   This will change the world.  It is meant to change the world.  It will accomplish its purpose.  No stumbling.  No backing into it.  We knew what we had to do.  We mapped it out and then we did it.  It’s never that simple.  When a mosquito takes that large a meal, it leaves a welt.   That is to say, it leaves a large; quite often permanent scar.  The legal department was scathing.

-Okay, we’re not making any money on this, and everybody in the world will sue us.

I wish I could tell you that I was awash in idealism.  That I was thinking of some large eyed African child shivering from fever.  I don’t know anybody like that.  I was overcome with righteous indignation against the mammoth corporate interests who were making these cynical decisions about our future purely on the principle of protecting their own careers.  Actually, I like mammoth corporate interests who pay my salary and I want them to keep doing it.

It wasn’t pride.  Or at least I’m not admitting to that.  If I’m ever asked, I’ll say it was for Somali oil.  Maybe it was simply because I could.  I rolled up my sleeve, inserted my arm into their container and allowed the monsters to feed.  Then I removed my arm, allowing them to remain, rolled down my shirtsleeve and walked outside. After their release, I went back for the males.  I hope that the plasmodium  parasite doesn’t pass along mosquito generations.

Gravity

Nothing against Cate Blanchett, besides her difficult name but Bullock and Clooney were robbed.  Gravity received precisely the wrong awards. Bullock and Clooney sold a ridiculous film.

 It’s dangerous to credulity to have science fiction slightly in the future. Tyson has already pointed out the hair issue, so I was ready for that. But the idea of somebody being able to grab anything not specifically designed for it with a pressurized glove was a total fail.  Maybe they could loop their arm through something.  The second time Bullock flipped on a hatch, I had to laugh, not exactly a quick learner.  Not since Raging Bull have I enjoyed an actor getting slapped around so much.  An astronaut estimating docking with a space station was outrageous.  Try grabbing a speeding freight train and you get the idea.  F=MA. People, who don’t understand that equation, and the resultant integration, think that they can somehow brace themselves rather than wear seat belts. We are talking about tonnage against pounds. Tonnage wins.   This should have turned into a Brian De Palma film with a bloody arm stump. 

They tried to address the issue by having them bump around a bit. But there is a huge difference between addressing the issue and meeting the issue. Any difference in speed and they are missing body parts. No resistance issues. Use whatever glancing angle you like. Take the ratios of the velocity less 1, because there isn’t any bounce, just a sploosh. Given that they are both going very fast at pretty much the same speed, the ratio is small.  It doesn’t matter when you are multiplying it by hundreds of tons. My most optimistic calculation has them flattened by a truck.

It was Bullock and Clooney that somehow got me through this film with the silly dialogue.  Because of them, I was able to suspend disbelief, at least until she somehow found two separate custom designed space suits conveniently left behind for her. If you think one size fits all panty hose is a cruel joke, imagine an adjustable space suit. I guess they thought it was more unbelievable that she could recharge the air on the space suit she had.  It is too unlikely that there would be a standard air supply system. China manufactures three separate versions for each of us. 

I have a little trouble with someone in an oxygen deprived coma waking up and turning their air back on.  Christine wasn’t too happy with Bullock’s choice of skivvies surrounded by all those metal objects.

I did like the Chinese joke about their ejection module being a copy of ours.

The Joke

Cast: Mark 

           Jim

           Cindy

           Sue

           Elmo-bald and black

           Interlocutor

          Assorted actors in the audience

         Sheila

Setting: Four cubicles inhabited by Mark, Cindy, Sue and Elmo, a bald black male. There is a bank of elevators nearby.

Jim walks up to Mark sitting in his cubicle.

Jim: How do you get into this group?

Mark: You have to Fuck Maude.

Jim: Your manager? I could do that.

Mark: You might not like it. She comes really hard.

Sue: Now, I talk like thith.

Jim: Can I fuck Sue as well?

Mark: You don't have to.

Jim: But I could?

Mark: She pulls your hair, look at Maude.

Jim: Maude is losing hair on the top. How did she reach it?

Mark: It used to be long.

Jim: Is that what happened to Elmo?

Mark: They say he's really good.

Elmo: I don't fuck white women.

Cindy: Sue is mine.

Jim feigns shock:

Jim: I don't know how you women can do that, putting your tongues wherever, it is so unnatural.

Interlocutor enters and takes the center of the stage, the actors pantomime continuing their conversation:

Interlocutor: On behalf of the management, the cast, our financial support, we are giving you the opportunity to leave. You can wait in the lobby for this play to be over. We will notify you when it's safe to come back in. You were suckered, we took your money, we're sorry. This is not a date play. It is not a play that will edify or entertain. Just go. You have been warned. Anyone who remains does so at their own risk.

Several actors in the audience make a production of complaining, and leaving. (Special note: there could be a competition between the actors)

Mark breaks into tears, grabs his coat and leaves. He pushes a button and waits for the elevator.

Sheila comes off an elevator.

Sheila: Mark you're crying, what's wrong?

Mark: You'll just laugh.

Mark leaves.

Sheila proceeds to the four cubicles. Jim is sniffling off. Cindy is crying.

Cindy: Damn you, you stupid bitch.

Sue: I'm sorry.

Cindy: I'm leaving, you can come.

Sue: OK.

Elmo is sniffling in his cubicle.

Sheila: What's going on?

Elmo: It's just a stupid joke.

Sheila: What is it?

Elmo: You'll laugh.

Sheila: No, I won't.

Elmo: I'm not mad at you; you really don't want to hear this.

Sheila: Just tell me.

Elmo: Jim was talking to the girls, and then Mark says "only true love, only safe sex", then… (Fade out)

Scene2:

Cast: Sheila

            Bill

            Yagonanda

             Estelle

Setting: Bill and Yagonanda are sitting in a meeting room. Sheila enters.

Yagonanda: Sheila you don't look too good, are they laying off again?

Bill: This looks personal.

Sheila: Maude's group is so weird.

Bill: Are you saying we don't measure up?

Sheila: This was bad.

Estelle enters. 

Estelle: I thought Mark was here today.

Sheila: They all went home.

Everyone just looks at her.

Sheila: It was a stupid joke.

Yagonanda: A prank?

Sheila: No a joke. Somebody says "only true love, only safe sex" and then…

They gather around her. Her voice is too quite for the audience to hear. Then one by one they start crying and walking off.

Scene3:

Cast: Sheila

           Yagonanda

           Larry

           David

           Lenore

           Butlebaum

           Maude

           Ken

Setting: The meeting room, everyone present.

Butlebaum: Is everyone here? Where's the donuts? Wecan't have a meeting without donuts. I've never seeing people leaving early. Sheila, was that your group? What happened?

Sheila: You really don't want to hear about this, it's just stupid.

Larry: Actually Sheila we do. It was two groups and everyone noticed.

Sheila: Ask Maude, she'll explain.

Maude: Nobodies talking.

Sheila: They're right. 

Larry: Has there been a change in company direction, some new policy that the rest of us are unaware of?

Sheila: Well, you know how Jim goes by Maude's group in the afternoon. He was picking on the lesbians.

Larry: Is that legal?

David: I think they can harass each other. There was a ruling.

Larry: Not since 1998.

David: That changed?

Larry: Sort of, I don't think homosexuals are protected, but men can't harass men.

Butlebaum: But this is a man harassing a woman.

David: It's a homosexual man annoying a homosexual woman for her homosexuality.

Lenore: Doesn't seem to fit within our tolerance statement.

David: Is that enforceable?

Larry: So we might be in trouble because we have a tolerance statement?

Butlebaum: Who writes those goofy things anyway?

Sheila suddenly breaks down: I've got to get out of here.

She leaves.

Ken: Oops, we might get in trouble just for having this discussion.

Larry: Not very tolerant.

Maude: Let's move on then.

David: The only safe sex, the only true love.

Yagonanda shifts. They look at him.

Larry: Do you know this story?

Yagonanda looks down. Maude gasps, giggles, and then cries. She leaves the room.

Lenore looks at Yagonanda: Which of them said it, Cindy or Sue?

Yagonanda: It was Sue.

Lenore: That idiot. I've got to go.

Yagonanda leaves. David starts crying. Larry is nauseous. Butlebaum is bewildered.

Butlebaum: What did she say?

Larry: Why do you think its true love?

They both look at the puzzled Butlebaum.

Larry: You are so lucky.

David: You've got it good.

Larry and David leave. Butlebaum looks around and walks off.

Scene4:

setting: A home, there's a door, a couch and a TV

Cast: Butlebaum

           Sue, his wife

Butlebaum enters: Am I glad to be home.

Sue: I'm glad you're here. How was work?

Butlebaum: It was really odd.

Sue sits down on the couch and clicks on the TV: More than usual?

Butlebaum lies on the couch and puts his head on her lap: We were having a meeting. Sheila is all mysterious about why her people were cracking up and going home early yesterday.

Sue: Cracking up?

Butlebaum: Crying.

Sue: Maybe they need more time off.

Butlebaum: It's because of a joke.

Sue: A joke?

Butlebaum: There's some lesbians and somebody says

-only true love, only safe sex.

Then a lesbian says:

-Why do you think it's true love?

Then everyone cries.

There's a long silence. Sue's face is impassive, then it slowly comes apart, she doesn't move her position, doesn't make a sound, her face is a mask of agony.

Butlebaum: I don't  get it. Sue, what do you think? Sue?

Scene5:

A company lunch room.

Cast: Bill

          Richard

          Beth

         Lemuel

         Allen

Bill: Yo Richard, do you think homosexuals should marry? 

Richard: Why should they get off?

Bill: What?

Richard: No really, they can't marry, it's difficult for them to adopt children, and next they'll say they can't stick themselves in the eye with sharp objects. Of course, they should marry and we should assign them children.

--Here you look like a nice couple, take two they're small.

Bill: No man, it'll cheapen the institution.

Richard: There aint nothing cheap about it.

Bill: People won't take it seriously.

Richard: They'll learn.

Beth: You just want to push your problems on other people. Homosexuals didn't create those children.

Richard: Welcome to my world.

The lunchroom cracks up.

Allen: The only people who want to get married are priests, homosexuals and Mexican women.

Bill: You are so wrong; you don't  understand: they don't marry women.

Richard: Some do. You figure they're getting over? You think they're actually nice to each other?

Lemuel looks up horror on his face: They're not?

Allen is furious: Oh man, look what you did.

Richard: I'm sorry.

Allen: You did the joke, motherfucker. 

Richard: I didn't mean to.

Scene 6:

The Late Night Improv, a television show.

Cast: Assorted comedians:

           Rosie

          Green

          Bill

         Sherry

         Polly

        Robin

        Production assistant

Rosie: Tonight is really big. We have all kinds of good stuff for you, and we are going to do THE JOKE. You know, where everyone cries. I haven't heard this yet, so it will be my first time. We've lost a few people on this, so don't say we don't give it our all. Comedy is serious business. We finally had to rehearse it in pieces, so no one in the skit knows the whole joke. Actually, I saw some of the rehearsals. I think I've figured it out. You guys in the audience might want to leave right now. It really stinks. The only reason the writer stuck with it is cause he's a crack head and the producer don't give him any until it's done. Honestly, you people at home should turn this off. In fact, leave your sets off for a few days. This is so bad it may make the news.

She starts yelling at the producer directly.

Rosie: Green, you are such an egomaniac. We should cancel this show right now. Oh, God I can't stand it. Get me out of here.

She falls apart. Bill, another comedian, steps up.

Bill: Wow, that was grim. Nice work. Really warmed them up for me. Don't worry folks, back up guest host; we were prepared for this eventuality. Have to wonder if that joke skit is really a good idea. Maybe we could move it back in the program. Way far back. Like next week. Oh, we are definitely doing the Joke skit. Green hasn't heard it yet. Well, maybe he should, like before the rest of us do.

An impromptu send-up of comedy skits followed by the Joke skit. 

Bill, Sherry, and Polly are sitting around a table. There's a door leading to another set with a couch and TV.

Sherry:You wouldn't believe what happened in accounting. James from marketing was over there and you know how he's gay and he was talking to the lesbians about how they were so awful and...

She's reading ahead on the teleprompter, her face goes blank.

Bill looks behind him: What are you doing here?

Robin, another unannounced guest comedian, joins the skit: I'm your backup. They said this was rough.

Bill: Hey, I'm a professional, I can do this. I've never bailed on a skit.

Robin: I know you can kid; in fact, I'm counting on it.

Sherry falls apart: This is awful, awful.

Bill grabs her: Get a hold of yourself girl, don't give up now.

Sherry: Get away from me, this isn't funny, I'll hurt you.

She runs off. Bill starts reading the teleprompter: blah de blah blah, so the straight guy says only true love, only safe sex, blah blah. Maybe I should read this to myself. This is so dumb. Oh, shit. No. I'm sorry. I'm gone.

Robin turns to Polly: It's just you and me Polly.

Polly: Perhaps we should just quit.

Robin: I don't know about you, but I'm finishing this.

Polly: You're so brave.

Robin: How bad can this be?

Robin starts reading from the teleprompter: Blah blah. That's filler. Bill read that. The lesbian says how do you know its true love? The straight guy starts crying. Oh for heavens sake, that's it? That's the joke?

Polly tilts her head and looks puzzled. Robin reads further: We're supposed to segue into another room now. This must be the bit to take the edge off the bit.

They enter the adjoining set.

Polly: Kind of a cool down skit.

Robin: You're being very cool.

Polly: Look at my pupils.

Robin: Wow, they are totally dilated.

Polly: When all else fails, use drugs.

Robin: I knew that.

Polly: I think I'm done with the skit now.

Robin: Everybody else is gone. It's just you and me now. Honey I'm home.

Polly: That's a little retro isn't it?

Robin: Hey, stick to the script.

Polly: Oh, are you the only one allowed to ad lib?

Robin sits down on the couch: Alright, I'm sitting on the couch. The oddest thing happened at work.

Polly lies on the couch, reading the teleprompter: I'm supposed to put my head in your lap?

Robin: No face this way.

Polly: Cut it out. Hey, everybody is crying.

Robin: No, there's  some who aren't.

Polly: I think they're leaving.

Robin: Yeah, let me up.

Robin kicks over some furniture: Hey everybody, this is stupid ok? We all get broken hearts. It happens. It's not that big a deal, OK? It heals, damn it, it heals.

Polly:Let's go Robin.

Robin: I'm out of here.

The production assistant is holding a mini-cam on Green. Green is flipping switches, checking the studio.

Green: That really stank the place out, I had no idea. The whole studio is empty. We've got to have feed. Put on a movie.

Production assistant: It's a Wonderful Life?

Green: No you idiot. Look there's Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Put on that one. Cancel the commercials. We'll take the hit. They don't have to use it. But at least there's something going out, and get that stupid camera off me.

Scene 7:

A late night talk show monologue:

Cast: show host

Ed

Band Leader

Band

Skit begins with Ed warming up the audience, and then the show host comes out.

Show host: Was anyone watching The Late Night Improv? Guess not. If you had been, you probably wouldn't be coming out. A lot of our people called in depressed. I notice the audience isn't quite full. What a bomb. 

You probably haven't heard about it. Which is fine. I don't know. I wasn't going to come in either. Ed, do you want to do the show tonight?

Ed: Sure.

Show host: Yeah, I'd take my Zoloft, but what's the point. Maybe tomorrow.

He leaves. Ed looks around suspecting a trick.

Ed: Hey, I get to sit in the big chair.

He puts his feet up.

Ed: Ah, who am I kidding? You guys are hanging in pretty good.

He says to the musicians.

Band leader: Music helps.

Ed: So, what do you want to play?

Band Leader: Gloomy Sunday.

Ed: Cool.

Scene 8:

Another late night monologue:

Cast : Another show host

Another show host: When I was a kid, the other kids used to pull on my chin, do three stooges bits. I'd say "hey, that's my chin." My first girl was gorgeous; she was really nice to me. We were getting into it and she says "I really like a guy with an under bite". I still did her, but, you know. Stupid lesbian joke. Have you ever opened a vein? First, it gushes, then it spills a little, then it gushes again. Stop me if you've heard this. Don't tell me that, please don't tell me that.

Scene 9:

A women's talk show:

Cast: Host,

         The author of the play 

Host: We have here the author, or should I say putative author, of the controversial play, which is now in production for a movie, The Joke.

Here's Daniel Meyer.

Author: Thank you for having me.

Host: You look fit.

Author: I'm  in construction.

Host: Seems to be working. Now are you the author or aren't you?

Author: The original script specified a lot of improvisation. As it grew everyone involved contributed, perhaps we could say I'm the initiator.

Host: But you have the rights; that doesn't seem fair.

Author: At least so far. One could make the case that many works are really the product of collaboration. This show for instance. In any case, we may be squabbling over the rights to a bomb.

Host: You're saying the movie will flop?

Author: This is a good argument for not being faithful to the book.

Host: Have you seen the script?

Author: My only contribution has been to encourage them to deviate from the work as much as possible.

Host: The premise is a joke so terrible that everyone who hears it gets depressed.

Author: A really bad joke.

Host: And this made a good play?

Author: No.

Host: You're saying it's a terrible play.

Author: I think the success of the play has been that everyone involved is liberated from treating it respectfully. They could introduce whatever business or ideas they pleased.

Host: So where does this go from here?

Author: A musical

Host: Of course, so what is the joke?

Author: Oh no.

Host: You don't want to give it away.

Author: I don't want to spoil the show.

Host: I'm hearing it's a lesbian joke.

Author: You haven't heard it?

Host: Why would you make fun of lesbians? I suppose you could but…

Author: People believe that other people are breaking the union. That is giving a better deal. For instance, that Orientals are submissive or Italians are great lovers, or in this case, that lesbians are happy.

Host: Happy?

Author: In love. So when they find out, It can be a great shock and disappointment.

Host: That's disgusting.

Author: Yes. I'm sorry.

Host: Why did we have you on? Oh look, I've heard about this. It's not a lot, but some people are leaving.

Author: Sometimes it takes awhile.

Host: This is so stupid.

Author: Yes. Should I go?

Host: (coming apart) I don't care.