Stump Treatment

The slush piles are brimming with Trump stories. If I were a reader I would filter out anything with Trump in it, just as I do click bait. The premise for this one is that the Russians are disgusted with the lack of return on their investment. Envision Putin ranting. Not sure who to cast for Putin. Perhaps a computer generated image. He could sue but the argument is that his persona is in the public domain. Do the same thing with Trump. The lawsuit would be good publicity. If we can’t say Trump, say Stump, Putin; Putting. The joke is that Putin is speaking extremely vulgar Russian, or even breaking into heavily accented English but the sub titles are very proper. Maybe this will keep a PG rating. The title is rolling while Putin screams obscenities. 

-We can’t even get his fucking briefing books.

-There’s no actionable intelligence.

-We have the briefing books.

-You ugly ass wipe, that’s not the point. That fat shit can’t read.

-What use is he, if he can’t read?

I’m on it.

-You know what you’re on? I’ll tell you what you’re on…

Next scene is the Jefferson Memorial. Spies always meet at the memorial, typical Russian agent speaking to his American asset. The Russian sounds Russian; the American has a strong regional accent.

RA-We need a school teacher.

AA-What?

RA-Reading, they have to be able to teach anyone to read.

AA-I’ll ask around.

Scene of school teacher in second grade, things are going poorly. I see her as black. Get some teacher focus groups, opportunity for school teacher jokes, reading jokes, ADHD jokes, dyslexia jokes, spy jokes, Russian jokes, and harassment jokes.

School teacher walks into a bar:

ST-I’ll have a martini. I’ll have a martini with an olive in it. I’ll have a martini with gin and vermouth.

The American Asset hands her an envelope.

AA - Ten thousand, cash.

She puts the envelope in her bra.

ST - Just you?

AA-I work for the Russian government, we need a school teacher. Trump has to read.

ST - This all I get?

AA - One hundred thousand when you are done.

ST-You can get me in the White House?

AA - No problem. When do you start?

ST-I’ll get to Washington tomorrow, I don’t usually educate adults.

AA-Issue?

ST-No.

School teacher walks into principal’s office.

ST - Taking three weeks’ vacation starting tomorrow.

P- You can’t.

ST – Four weeks.

P-Who will sub?

ST - You?

P-I’ll get you. You won’t have a job when you get back.

ST - Fuck the job.

P-What about the kids?

ST - Fuck the kids.

School teacher talking to her class:

-I am going to miss all of you beautiful children, but it’s only for a short time, while I learn to be a better teacher for you. Meanwhile you will have the principal teaching you. He knows so much. I know you will be just as considerate of him as you are of me. It has been a few years since he has had the joy of actually teaching a class so you will have to help him in the beginning. This will be so much fun for you.

WH scene:

The WH aide is describing the atmosphere of harassment.

ST-I’ve taught eighth grade.

Oval Office:

ST - Give me your alphabet.

Trump: This is bullshit, look how far I’ve gotten without it.

ST-alphabet.

T-singsong alphabet.

ST-vowels.

T-AEIOU

ST-and?

T?

ST-sometimes Y.

T-I before e except after c.

ST-That’s right. What’s this? Here read this speech.

T-I just put it in Word and it reads it to me.

ST-You have a good memory. Read it for me.

T-The words fall apart.

ST - Look out the window.

T-What?

ST – Look out the window, tell me what you see.

T- Bushes, somebodies head, the fence, columns.

Trump loses interest starts looking around the room.

ST-What do you see in the room?

T-My desk, what’s the point?

ST - Look at the window again.

T- Still bushes.

ST-Don’t look out the window.

Trump looks out the window.

ST-Don’t look at your speech.

T- The purpose of this speech is to…

ST- That’s good. Look away when you lose it; then look back.

T - Explain our position in Iran. This is a stupid speech.

ST – It is stupid.  Keep at it.

Trump looks away at every word.

T- The…United…States…Must…Show… a…firm…resolve…I can’t keep doing this.

ST-This is how you start. It isn’t easy, keep at it.

T- To ensure that Iran does not return to the nuclear option. Together…This is our policy? The whole thing is just a shakedown of Saudi Arabia.

ST-Isn’t this easier than remembering?

T-I’m not going to say this shit.

ST - well no. You’ve made some progress. I’m leaving this book here. I got it from your library, it belonged to Kennedy.

T-What is it?

ST-What does it say?

T- Hornblower? Ship of the line.

ST-I don’t want you reading this until tomorrow. You might hurt your eyes. Wait for me and we will look at it together. OK?

Or maybe do product placement on dyslexia software, or the Russians can bring in an optometrist.

Melania talking to a man with his feet up on a desk:

MT-He’s reading a book.

Man-He’s not tweeting.

MT yells-He’s reading a book.

Man-I’ll get on it.

Develop Melania Trump, show her running White House, deciding policy.

School Teacher walks into Oval Office holding another book.

ST-Let’s start on Hornblower.

T- Read it.

ST-Did not. How did it end?

T-He got captured.

ST-You read the end.

T-He isn’t much of a hero.

ST- Whoa, comprehension? No he isn’t.

T-They give this to kids?

ST-More in the library, it’s a series.

T on the computer-It wants a password, I already logged on.

ST looks over his shoulder- Try your logon password. Washington?

T-What’s this?

ST-A PDF, must’ve scanned something.

T-What is this?

ST- Handwriting.

T- How do you read it?

ST- Write something for me.

Trump prints Fuck You.

ST- Do it again, but don’t raise your pencil.

Trump does it; then reads the screen – I had no idea it would come to this. I just wanted to save my plantation. Before you judge, you are now in the same predicament.

Trump has trouble with predicament - I’m reading out loud.

ST-That’s how you memorize. When you want to remember, read it aloud.

T-I don’t want to memorize all of it.

T keeps reading – Washington is an asshole.

ST- Got another book from the library. Jefferson owned this.

T-What is it?

ST-What does it say?

T-Wealth of Nations, what’s it about?

ST- about 700 pages, economics.

T- I’m reading this first.

ST-OK

School teacher at Jefferson memorial with white house aide:

WHA-He’s tweeting about presidents, Washington asshole, Adams stooge, Jefferson back stabbing SOB.

ST-He’s reading something they each left for the next presidents, in handwriting.

WHA- Here’s your 100,000 check.

ST putting it in her bra-Should be a million.

WHA-Stick around, I’ll ask.

ST- Maybe I’ll give him Black Like Me.

WHA - Uncle Tom’s Cabin.

ST- Not Malcolm X.

WHA- Mockingbird.

Two suits, one is fiddling with an Epipen:

-Why do the Russians want him to read?

-Commies are into that.

-They’re not commies.

-Whatever.

School teacher walks into the Oval Office:

T-Eisenhower was smart.

ST-No progress with Smith?

T-They had corn in England?

ST-Corn means cheapest grain, horse feed, like gasoline today.

T-He’s talking about inflation?

ST-Yes

T- 300 years ago.

ST-Yes

T-Isn’t this just the market place is great?

ST-You haven’t read it. He wasn’t stupid.

T-Briefing books suck. Eisenhower said they were stupid. What’s after Smith?

ST-Marx

T- Commie?

ST- Yes, you already kind of know his stuff.

T- After that?

ST- Keynes. Then Samuelson’s textbook.

T- Problems?

ST - Well yeah.

T-That’s it?

ST- Mandelbrot, I guess. He wrote a short one about finance. Graham and Dodd

T-Why should I know economics?

ST-So they don’t game you.

T-Everybody’s bluffing.

ST-Yes

T-I thought you’d bring in Mockingbird.

ST-Couldn’t find it in your library. I don’t think knowledge cures racism.

T-Thank you

ST-You’re welcome. Are we done?

T-I think I need to see you for a while.  This network doesn’t have much.

ST - Really?

T-They want me to install something.

ST-You have to trust them.

T-Why wasn’t it installed already?

ST-Don’t know.

T-You didn’t start me with the first Hornblower.

ST- No

T-I got it from the library.

ST-good

Include bits where the teacher tries to give socialization training. Anne Frank’s Diary, Huckleberry Finn, University of Pennsylvania joke

Have a late night host do a bit on Trumps tweets about the presidents. Give them script credit.

There is a big argument in a White House corridor. People are gathering to watch. The school teacher is rubber necking on the edge of the crowd. A suit swings at the school teacher with the Epipen.  The teacher sees it, grabs his hand before he hits her, stamps on his instep with her high heel, switches hands on her grip, and hits him in the elbow twisting his arm as she kicks out his knee. The teacher grabs the Epipen and stabs the suit with it, walking off holding the pen. People start to notice the man collapsed behind them.

School Teacher talking to White House Aide at the aides’ desk:

WHA- Colyer had a heart attack.

ST drops the Epipen in the aides’ trash-I was supposed to have one.

WHA-You took Colyer? He’s NSA.

ST - Playground duty. Trump wants me to hang out. Million?

WHA-It’s approved. Up to you when you leave

Bit about Trump telling secrets and no one believes him.

Oval Office, Trump alone. Obama’s voice comes on background. Maybe Obama would do it, now that the letter is public. It would be fun to have Bush senior give advice to Clinton; maybe he would do his own.  Doubt you could get Carter. Bush junior started doing this publicly, my guess is that it goes all the way back.

O-reads his letter.

T tweets- What a prig.

School Teacher walks in.

T-Obama is a prig.

ST-He’s a good student

T-What I said. I found a cool directory.

ST-They want you to know something.

T- Not sure.

ST-What will you write to your successors?

T- Something short.

ST-I think you have a lot to say.

T- Tell them to read Eisenhower, FDR; Hoover. Teach you’re fired. I’m very grateful to you. My time is valuable. You have a nice figure.

The school teacher leaves.

School Teacher at White House Aides’ desk:

T- Fired.

WHA hands ST envelope, ST looks at it and puts it in her bra.

ST walking down White House hall. Secret Service agent takes out pistol and shoots her in the head. Checks her pulse, puts down the gun as people come out of their offices.

SSA- Ohmigod, it just went off. I was just checking my gun.

News show, talking heads:

-A school teacher was killed by accident today at the White House.

-Was she working there?

-Advisory position.

-Conspiracy?

-Conspiracy to kill a school teacher?

In the television series the school teacher would live, giving a different lesson each episode. In the musical this would be a crescendo. Merchandising includes flashcards.

Jefferson Memorial, White House Aide is sobbing, comforted by Russian Agent.

RA-It’s not our first school teacher.

Trump is talking at a rally:

T-Kennedy Killing? Everybody knows that…

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