USS Uhuru on a secret peacekeeping mission to the Lambda quadrant suddenly drops out of warp.
The captain is speaking:
-Why is it always the Lambda quadrant? What’s their problem? What happened?
-We are out of warp.
An officer replies.
-I know that, why?
-There’s a diagnostic.
-What does it say?
-It says:
14357-e, Early end DATECNVT\seclib system ended.
-What?
-It says:
-I heard you. What does that mean?
The captain interrupts.
-I don’t know.
-Life support inactive.
Says a second officer.
-What do you mean inactive? Computer, override life support. I said computer…Are we under attack?
Asks the captain.
-All the computers are down.
Replies the officer.
-What do you mean, down?
-They’re not working.
-Why?
-Permission to be on the bridge.
Jones, a black human, from maintenance and first contact has entered the bridge.
-What is it?
Says the captain.
-The New Year, 2400.
-OK, and that’s a problem because?
-The date routine must have a bug.
-We don’t talk like that on my bridge.
-I've taken history of data processing.
Says Jones.
-Some body actually took that class?
-A bug is a programming error. Is there a diagnostic message?
-It’s over here.
-Then this must be the main console.
-We have many consoles.
-It thinks it’s the main console. Oh no, please don’t let it be UNIX.
-Castrated males?
-U N I X. Oh no, we don’t even have a keyboard.
-A what?
-Excuse me, did you say keyboard?
One of the bridge officers asks.
-Yes.
-There’s a plate in this locker that says something about keystroke equivalents, is that what you want?
-I guess so. Oh dear.
-Tetsilla, help him with this. Tetsilla has excellent memory.
Says the captain.
-I think we want to enter, start UNIX.
Jones tells Tetsilla.
-U N I X?
-Yes.
-Then what?
-Enter. No, don’t type enter. There should be an enter key.
-Oh, I see it. What does it mean, invalid parameter enter?
-Hit the enter key again.
-Enter UserID. What?
-Type r-o-o-t.
-Now it says enter password. What’s an enter password?
-That’s a command.
-To do what?
-Type password and hit enter.
-The word password?
-Yes.
-Invalid password. Should I type valid password?
-No. Try stud muffin, but as one word.
-Invalid password.
-Secure1.
-Invalid password, hey it kicked us out.
-Start over, but without typing enter.
-Look under the console, there’s something written under there.
Says one of the bridge officers.
-What were you doing under the console?
Asks another officer.
Jones looks under the console.
-Try Gandalf.
-Nothing.
Says Tetsilla.
-I think that means it worked.
-Now what?
-Type help and then hit the enter key.
-It’s not a key.
-You know what I mean.
-This is crazy; we’re running out of air.
Says an officer.
-How long till we run out of air?
Says another bridge officer.
-I don’t know. We don’t have a computer.
-I think it’s a couple of hours.
-How long is this going to take?
-Type menu and hit enter.
Says Jones, ignoring the discussion.
-Move the cursor over there.
-How?
Asks Tetsilla.
-With the move cursor arrows.
-I can hold it down?
-I don’t know, can you?
-It’s there.
-Hit enter.
A display appears.
-What’s that?
Asks Tetsilla.
-A list of files. DATECNVT is on it. Type menu and hit enter. Now scroll down. See that’s a scroll bar. Yeah there, stop.
-Where’s stop?
-We went too far, now back up.
-Oh, I get it.
-Ok, we want the editor. Put the cursor over that icon and hit enter.
-This is religious?
-Picture then.
-Is it new?
-No.
-It wants a file name.
-DATECNVT.
-It’s a blank screen, I guess that worked.
-Hit the help key. This is too much for me Tetsilla; can you read all this help?
-Let’s see…I think I have it.
-We want to list the source.
Says Jones.
-I think that’s L *. Yup.
-OK, scroll down.
-It doesn't scroll; we have to page forward. What is this stuff?
-COBOL
Says Jones.
-It keeps talking about 2100.
-Yeah, that wasn’t a leap year. It was a big disaster. 2400 is a leap year.
-Maybe it broke on the division.
-It’s done that before. However, the remainder hasn’t been zero before.
-It hasn’t? Oh, right. I didn’t see this display message.
--Display ‘Century Leap Year’.
-You think that display will actually display? That’s interesting. Maybe we’re restricting the messages. Go back to the main menu.
-Which icon?
Says Tetsilla.
-Profile.
-Messages is 1.
-Make it bigger.
-99?
-Sure.
-It made it 4.
-Fine. Computer.
Nothing happens.
-The computer’s down.
Says Tetsilla.
-How do we make it up?
-Maybe we start it.
-What do we start?
Tetsilla types:
-Start Computer.
--Operating system not available.
Jones repeats:
-What does it want? I remember, try Baldwin.
-What’s Baldwin?
-It used to be a brand name.
-A what?
-I’ll explain later.
-Now, we have two error messages.
Says Tetsilla.
-It worked.
-It did? No it didn’t.
The captain says.
-We have two error messages.
Jones responds.
-Oh, splendid.
Says the captain.
--File SYSOUT missing.
-What does that mean?
Tetsilla asks.
-It didn’t display the message
Says Jones..
-So, it did break on the division.
-No, it broke on the display. Display is an output command.
-Why would they want that message coming out all the time?
Asks Tetsilla.
-Exactly, it must have been for testing.
-So, we should add the file.
-No, we should remove the display.
-Change the source?
The captain’s voice rises.
-No one’s changed source in centuries.
-Well we are.
Says Jones.
-There will be an inquiry.
Says the captain.
-Let’s hope we’re there for it.
Jones tells the captain. Then he says to Tetsilla:
- Go back into the editor. We have to delete that line.
-The delete key isn’t working.
-You’re at the end of the line. How do we get to the beginning?
-See it’s not working.
-I think you have to back up on it.
-Degundagocabawawa! In an orifice! What was the matter with those people?
-You got it Tetsilla. How do you know Lundai?
-Great lets start the computer.
The captain interrupts.
-Not yet, we have to recompile. Not yet Tetsilla. Did you save the source?
- We still have our two messages. What’s recompile?
Tetsilla asks.
-Back to the menu.
Jones explains.
-I don’t see recompile.
-Maybe under source management…We want one of the COBOL ones. Try that one.
-The source name is DATECNVT, it wants a library.
Says Tetsilla.
-Try SECLIB.
Says Jones.
-End of statement, invalid delimiter. Is that our line number?
Asks Tetsilla.
-Let’s go back and look at it.
Says Jones.
-Is it done?
-The captain asks.
-We have a compiler error. We’re missing a period. Right there.
Says Jones.
-You’d think it would know.
Tetsilla says. This time the compile works, and the computer starts.
-Great work Tetsilla, back to your posts everyone.
Says the captain.
-Computer, are you the most current version? Did we start the right one?
Jones asks.
-I have the right version.
The computer responds.
-Did you start it?
-Now I did.
-I thought you sounded different.
Says the captain.
-The other computer systems are down.
Says the computer.
-Well, bring them up.
-I am not authorized to make those modifications.
-The password is Gandalf.
Says Jones.
-I’m not supposed to know that.
-We trust you a lot more than we trust ourselves.
Jones says.
-Captain am I authorized to do this?
-I authorize you. Please computer, bring up the other systems.
Responds the captain.
-All systems up except life support.
The computer says.
-Well, bring up life support.
The captain says.
-The password is invalid.
The computer answers.
-But you know where the password is stored.
Jones says.
-You want me to hack life support?
-Yes.
-Captain, am I authorized to hack life support?
-Please computer, hack life support.
-There will be an inquiry.
The computer says.
-Are you going to tell them?
Jones asks.
-An inquiry would be a less than optimal use of our resources. Life support is active.
The computer says.
-Communications are down.
Says the communications officer.
-What? Computer diagnose communications.
Says the captain.
-Communications are functioning, no one is responding.
All the non-humans glance at each other. Most of them where contacted by humanity rather than the other way around and it is common to view humans as an imposition.
-No one else took that course.
Tetsilla says to Jones:
-What was your grade?
-I dropped it. It was too silly. Computer, can you fix the other computers?
-You want me to hack Starfleet?
-Please computer, hack Starfleet.
The captain says.
-Should I fix the other computers too?
-Yes, please fix the other computers.
-Uhuru, this is Starfleet command. We have been experiencing a temporary computer malfunction; please give us a status.
-Uhuru enroute to Lambda quadrant.
The captain says.
-Did you also have this problem?
-It appears to be corrected now.
-Keep us informed, Starfleet out.
-You heard them, back to your posts everyone. Let’s go.
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