Daley Did Not Exactly Steal the Election for Kennedy

Occasionally someone still claims that Richard J. Daley stole the 1959 presidential election for Kennedy. The vote counts belie this claim.

There are three legs to the Chicago Democratic Party. The first is the Cook County assessor’s office. This is essential to fundraising. People pay off just to keep it honest or at least strict so they can make money on the appeals. If I ever run for political office, I want to be Cook County Assessor.

The second is the Cook County State’s Attorney. This office, along with the board of election commissioners, polices the elections. Byrne won the mayoral election because Carey, the states attorney at the time, ran down to the river front wards and grabbed the machines before the count. Both Daley’s were Cook County States Attorneys.

The third is the Mayors office, because of jobs. When people speak of old-fashioned patronage, i.e. city jobs they fail to understand that most patronage is in the private sector. Most companies doing business in or with the city of Chicago are happy to recognize referral letters from the Democratic Party. Patronage does not determine who gets to be a police officer or schoolteacher but it can affect assignment. Working against those precinct workers is corrosive in that when you beat them you are depriving them of their careers.

It is nice to have a president, it is essential to own a states attorney. In 1959, Benjamin Adamowski was the states attorney on the Republican ticket. Daley was not about to let Adamowski stay the states attorney. The only thing more crooked than a Democrat is a Republican. Daley made a deal with the Chicago Republicans to trade away Kennedy votes to beat Adamowski, mostly on the northwest side. The Kennedy count in Chicago was too low.

Once he was certain of beating Adamowski he then grabbed the money Kennedy had given him, ran downstate to the poor counties, and bought back the votes he needed from the downstate Republicans to make it right. The count downstate for Kennedy was too high. It also came in very late. They said they had problems with the count. Everyone went to bed knowing Nixon was going to be president and woke up with Kennedy. They said it was a protest vote downstate.

Daley wouldn’t have gone to that trouble for a national election. As nice as it might be to have an Irish president, the point of the whole exercise was beating Adamowski.

Everyone knew that something stank. However, when they tried a few sample recounts in Chicago, they got more votes for Kennedy than they had before. The explanation was that people said they had voted for the winner.

Nixon wanted a full recount. Someone finally asked him if he wanted to put his own people, the Republicans, in jail. He was very bitter about Illinois. It poisoned his later campaign against McGovern when they had so much money they shoved it into filing cabinets and was even used as a justification for the Bush Florida shenanigans. I don’t know what a straight count would have done.

If Illinois had gone for Nixon, then there may have been more focus on the challenges in other states, particularly Texas. Don’t say that Daley stole the election; he traded it away in Chicago and bought it back in Cairo.

Global Warming

No one listens to the right, or never right, not even the right themselves. Their latest arguments ascribe global warming to natural cycles. It is certainly true that there have been variation in the earth’s climate. Various unsatisfying theories attempt to account for this. Yet of all the experiments done in space there has yet to be a baseline measurement of solar output. That is, there has been no object placed at some set distance from the sun to measure its effect on say the expansion of a metal plate, or perhaps its conductivity. I’m aware that there are all sorts of methodological issues. To put it vulgarly I want a thermometer in space to take a baseline measure outside of the effect of atmosphere or mass. It’s not that I expect a perfect measure, let’s start with a record of variation. This may require a planetary orbit.

It may be that the sun’s output is constant. I doubt it, but let that be the case. Perhaps there are other causes for the earth’s variation. In any case, that variation exists. Our current models of the earth’s atmosphere are exceptionally detailed. They all predict that our increasing contribution of carbon dioxide will warm the earth. If anything, they have been too conservative. Invariably the impact of global warming has been greater than predicted. Perhaps this is because the scientists did not want to be alarmist. However, if the right is correct and we are in a natural warming trend then our human centric models will fail to predict just how bad things are going to be.

Here we are fiddling with light bulbs, corn oil and hybrids when the oceans are going to boil.

The Joke

Cast: Mark
Jim
Cindy
Sue
Elmo-bald and black
Interlocutor
Assorted actors in the audience
Sheila

Setting: Four cubicles inhabited by Mark, Cindy, Sue and Elmo, a bald black male. There is a bank of elevators nearby.

Jim walks up to Mark sitting in his cubicle.
Jim: How do you get into this group?
Mark: You have to Fuck Maude.
Jim: Your manager? I could do that.
Mark: You might not like it. She comes really hard.
Sue: Now, I talk like thith.
Jim: Can I fuck Sue as well?
Mark: You don't have to.
Jim: But I could?
Mark: She pulls your hair, look at Maude.
Jim: Maude is losing hair on the top. How did she reach it?
Mark: It used to be long.
Jim: Is that what happened to Elmo?
Mark: They say he's really good.
Elmo: I don't fuck white women.
Cindy: Sue is mine.
Jim feigns shock:
Jim: I don't know how you women can do that, putting your tongues wherever, it is so unnatural.

Interlocutor enters and takes the center of the stage, the actors pantomime continuing their conversation:

Interlocutor: On behalf of the management, the cast, our financial support, we are giving you the opportunity to leave. You can wait in the lobby for this play to be over. We will notify you when it's safe to come back in. You were suckered, we took your money, we're sorry. This is not a date play. It is not a play that will edify or entertain. Just go. You have been warned. Anyone who remains does so at their own risk.

Several actors in the audience make a production of complaining and leaving. (Special note: there could be a competition between the actors)

Mark breaks into tears, grabs his coat and leaves. He pushes a button and waits for the elevator.
Sheila comes off an elevator.
Sheila: Mark you're crying, what's wrong?
Mark: You'll just laugh.
Mark leaves.

Sheila proceeds to the four cubicles. Jim is sniffling off. Cindy is crying.
Cindy: Damn you, you stupid bitch.
Sue: I'm sorry.
Cindy: I'm leaving, you can come.
Sue: OK.
Elmo is sniffling in his cubicle.
Sheila: What's going on?
Elmo: It's just a stupid joke.
Sheila: What is it?
Elmo: You'll laugh.
Sheila: No, I won't.
Elmo: I'm not mad at you; you really don't want to hear this.
Sheila: Just tell me.
Elmo: Jim was talking to the girls, and then Mark says "only true love, only safe sex", then… (Fade out)

Scene2:
Cast: Sheila
Bill
Yagonanda
Estelle
Setting: Bill and Yagonanda are sitting in a meeting room. Sheila enters.
Yagonanda: Sheila you don't look too good, are they laying off again?
Bill: This looks personal.
Sheila: Maude's group is so weird.
Bill: Are you saying we don't measure up?
Sheila: This was bad.
Estelle enters.
Estelle: I thought Mark was here today.
Sheila: They all went home.
Everyone just looks at her.
Sheila: It was a stupid joke.
Yagonanda: A prank?
Sheila: No a joke. Somebody says "only true love, only safe sex" and then…
They gather around her. Her voice is too quite for the audience to hear. Then one by one they start crying and walking off.

Scene3:
Cast: Sheila
Yagonanda
Larry
David
Lenore
Butlebaum
Maude
Ken
Setting: The meeting room, everyone present.
Butlebaum: Is everyone here? Where's the donuts? Wecan't have a meeting without donuts. I've never seeing people leaving early. Sheila, was that your group? What happened?
Sheila: You really don't want to hear about this, it's just stupid.
Larry: Actually Sheila we do. It was two groups and everyone noticed.
Sheila: Ask Maude, she'll explain.
Maude: Nobodies talking.
Sheila: They're right.
Larry: Has there been a change in company direction, some new policy that the rest of us are unaware of?
Sheila: Well, you know how Jim goes by Maude's group in the afternoon. He was picking on the lesbians.
Larry: Is that legal?
David: I think they can harass each other. There was a ruling.
Larry: Not since 1998.
David: That changed?
Larry: Sort of, I don't think homosexuals are protected, but men can't harass men.
Butlebaum: But this is a man harassing a woman.
David: It's a homosexual man annoying a homosexual woman for her homosexuality.
Lenore: Doesn't seem to fit within our tolerance statement.
David: Is that enforceable?
Larry: So we might be in trouble because we have a tolerance statement?
Butlebaum: Who writes those goofy things anyway?
Sheila suddenly breaks down: I've got to get out of here.
She leaves.
Ken: Oops, we might get in trouble just for having this discussion.
Larry: Not very tolerant.
Maude: Let's move on then.
David: The only safe sex, the only true love.
Yagonanda shifts. They look at him.
Larry: Do you know this story?
Yagonanda looks down. Maude gasps, giggles, and then cries. She leaves the room.
Lenore looks at Yagonanda: Which of them said it, Cindy or Sue?
Yagonanda: It was Sue.
Lenore: That idiot. I've got to go.
Yagonanda leaves. David starts crying. Larry is nauseous. Butlebaum is bewildered.
Butlebaum: What did she say?
Larry: Why do you think its true love?
They both look at the puzzled Butlebaum.
Larry: You are so lucky.
David: You've got it good.
Larry and David leave. Butlebaum looks around and walks off.

Scene4:
setting: A home, there's a door, a couch and a TV
Cast: Butlebaum
Sue, his wife
Butlebaum enters: Am I glad to be home.
Sue: I'm glad you're here. How was work?
Butlebaum: It was really odd.
Sue sits down on the couch and clicks on the TV: More than usual?
Butlebaum lies on the couch and puts his head on her lap: We were having a meeting. Sheila is all mysterious about why her people were cracking up and going home early yesterday.
Sue: Cracking up?
Butlebaum: Crying.
Sue: Maybe they need more time off.
Butlebaum: It's because of a joke.
Sue: A joke?
Butlebaum: There's some lesbians and somebody says
-only true love, only safe sex.
Then a lesbian says:
-Why do you think it's true love?
Then everyone cries.
There's a long silence. Sue's face is impassive, then it slowly comes apart, she doesn't move her position, doesn't make a sound, her face is a mask of agony.
Butlebaum: I don't get it. Sue, what do you think? Sue?

Scene5:
A company lunchroom.
Cast: Bill
Richard
Beth
Lemuel
Allen
Bill: Yo Richard, do you think homosexuals should marry?
Richard: Why should they get off?
Bill: What?
Richard: No really, they can't marry, it's difficult for them to adopt children, and next they'll say they can't stick themselves in the eye with sharp objects. Of course, they should marry and we should assign them children.
--Here you look like a nice couple, take two they're small.
Bill: No man, it'll cheapen the institution.
Richard: There aint nothing cheap about it.
Bill: People won't take it seriously.
Richard: They'll learn.
Beth: You just want to push your problems on other people. Homosexuals didn't create those children.
Richard: Welcome to my world.
The lunchroom cracks up.
Allen: The only people who want to get married are priests, homosexuals and Mexican women.
Bill: You are so wrong; you don't understand: they don't marry women.
Richard: Some do. You figure they're getting over? You think they're actually nice to each other?
Lemuel looks up horror on his face: They're not?
Allen is furious: Oh man, look what you did.
Richard: I'm sorry.
Allen: You did the joke, motherfucker.
Richard: I didn't mean to.
Scene 6:

The Late Night Improv, a television show.
Cast: Assorted comedians:
Rosie
Green
Bill
Sherry
Polly
Robin
Production assistant
Rosie: Tonight is really big. We have all kinds of good stuff for you, and we are going to do THE JOKE. You know, where everyone cries. I haven't heard this yet, so it will be my first time. We've lost a few people on this, so don't say we don't give it our all. Comedy is serious business. We finally had to rehearse it in pieces, so no one in the skit knows the whole joke. Actually, I saw some of the rehearsals. I think I've figured it out. You guys in the audience might want to leave right now. It really stinks. The only reason the writer stuck with it is cause he's a crack head and the producer don't give him any until it's done. Honestly, you people at home should turn this off. In fact, leave your sets off for a few days. This is so bad it may make the news.
She starts yelling at the producer directly.
Rosie: Green, you are such an egomaniac. We should cancel this show right now. Oh, God I can't stand it. Get me out of here.
She falls apart. Bill, another comedian, steps up.
Bill: Wow, that was grim. Nice work. Really warmed them up for me. Don't worry folks, back up guest host; we were prepared for this eventuality. Have to wonder if that joke skit is really a good idea. Maybe we could move it back in the program. Way far back. Like next week. Oh, we are definitely doing the Joke skit. Green hasn't heard it yet. Well, maybe he should, like before the rest of us do.
An impromptu send-up of comedy skits followed by the Joke skit.
Bill, Sherry, and Polly are sitting around a table. There's a door leading to another set with a couch and TV.
Sherry:You wouldn't believe what happened in accounting. James from marketing was over there and you know how he's gay and he was talking to the lesbians about how they were so awful and...
She's reading ahead on the teleprompter, her face goes blank.
Bill looks behind him: What are you doing here?
Robin, another unannounced guest comedian, joins the skit: I'm your backup. They said this was rough.
Bill: Hey, I'm a professional, I can do this. I've never bailed on a skit.
Robin: I know you can kid; in fact, I'm counting on it.
Sherry falls apart: This is awful, awful.
Bill grabs her: Get a hold of yourself girl, don't give up now.
Sherry: Get away from me, this isn't funny, I'll hurt you.
She runs off. Bill starts reading the teleprompter: blah de blah blah, so the straight guy says only true love, only safe sex, blah blah. Maybe I should read this to myself. This is so dumb. Oh, shit. No. I'm sorry. I'm gone.
Robin turns to Polly: It's just you and me Polly.
Polly: Perhaps we should just quit.
Robin: I don't know about you, but I'm finishing this.
Polly: You're so brave.
Robin: How bad can this be?
Robin starts reading from the teleprompter: Blah blah. That's filler. Bill read that. The lesbian says how do you know its true love? The straight guy starts crying. Oh for heavens sake, that's it? That's the joke?
Polly tilts her head and looks puzzled. Robin reads further: We're supposed to segue into another room now. This must be the bit to take the edge off the bit.
They enter the adjoining set.
Polly: Kind of a cool down skit.
Robin: You're being very cool.
Polly: Look at my pupils.
Robin: Wow, they are totally dilated.
Polly: When all else fails, use drugs.
Robin: I knew that.
Polly: I think I'm done with the skit now.
Robin: Everybody else is gone. It's just you and me now. Honey I'm home.
Polly: That's a little retro isn't it?
Robin: Hey, stick to the script.
Polly: Oh, are you the only one allowed to ad lib?
Robin sits down on the couch: Alright, I'm sitting on the couch. The oddest thing happened at work.
Polly lies on the couch, reading the teleprompter: I'm supposed to put my head in your lap?
Robin: No face this way.
Polly: Cut it out. Hey, everybody is crying.
Robin: No, there's some who aren't.
Polly: I think they're leaving.
Robin: Yeah, let me up.
Robin kicks over some furniture: Hey everybody, this is stupid ok? We all get broken hearts. It happens. It's not that big a deal, OK? It heals, damn it, it heals.
Polly:Let's go Robin.
Robin: I'm out of here.
The production assistant is holding a mini-cam on Green. Green is flipping switches, checking the studio.
Green: That really stank the place out, I had no idea. The whole studio is empty. We've got to have feed. Put on a movie.
Production assistant: It's a Wonderful Life?
Green: No you idiot. Look there's Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Put on that one. Cancel the commercials. We'll take the hit. They don't have to use it. But at least there's something going out and get that stupid camera off me.

Scene 7:
A late-night talk show monologue:
Cast: show host
Ed
Band Leader
Band
Skit begins with Ed warming up the audience, and then the show host comes out.
Show host: Was anyone watching The Late Night Improv? Guess not. If you had been, you probably wouldn't be coming out. A lot of our people called in depressed. I notice the audience isn't quite full. What a bomb.
You probably haven't heard about it. Which is fine. I don't know. I wasn't going to come in either. Ed, do you want to do the show tonight?
Ed: Sure.
Show host: Yeah, I'd take my Zoloft, but what's the point. Maybe tomorrow.
He leaves. Ed looks around suspecting a trick.
Ed: Hey, I get to sit in the big chair.
He puts his feet up.
Ed: Ah, who am I kidding? You guys are hanging in pretty good.
He says to the musicians.
Band leader: Music helps.
Ed: So, what do you want to play?
Band Leader: Gloomy Sunday.
Ed: Cool.

Scene 8:
Another late night monologue:
Cast : Another show host
Another show host: When I was a kid, the other kids used to pull on my chin, do three stooges bits. I'd say "hey, that's my chin." My first girl was gorgeous; she was really nice to me. We were getting into it and she says "I really like a guy with an under bite". I still did her, but, you know. Stupid lesbian joke. Have you ever opened a vein? First, it gushes, then it spills a little, then it gushes again. Stop me if you've heard this. Don't tell me that, please don't tell me that.

Scene 9:
A women's talk show:
Cast: Host,
The author of the play
Host: We have here the author, or should I say putative author, of the controversial play, which is now in production for a movie, The Joke.
Here's Daniel Meyer.
Author: Thank you for having me.
Host: You look fit.
Author: I'm in construction.
Host: Seems to be working. Now are you the author or aren't you?
Author: The original script specified a lot of improvisation. As it grew everyone involved contributed, perhaps we could say I'm the initiator.
Host: But you have the rights; that doesn't seem fair.
Author: At least so far. One could make the case that many works are really the product of collaboration. This show for instance. In any case, we may be squabbling over the rights to a bomb.
Host: You're saying the movie will flop?
Author: This is a good argument for not being faithful to the book.
Host: Have you seen the script?
Author: My only contribution has been to encourage them to deviate from the work as much as possible.
Host: The premise is a joke so terrible that everyone who hears it gets depressed.
Author: A really bad joke.
Host: And this made a good play?
Author: No.
Host: You're saying it's a terrible play.
Author: I think the success of the play has been that everyone involved is liberated from treating it respectfully. They could introduce whatever business or ideas they pleased.
Host: So where does this go from here?
Author: A musical
Host: Of course, so what is the joke?
Author: Oh no.
Host: You don't want to give it away.
Author: I don't want to spoil the show.
Host: I'm hearing it's a lesbian joke.
Author: You haven't heard it?
Host: Why would you make fun of lesbians? I suppose you could but…
Author: People believe that other people are breaking the union. That is giving a better deal. For instance, that Orientals are submissive or Italians are great lovers, or in this case, that lesbians are happy.
Host: Happy?
Author: In love. So when they find out, It can be a great shock and disappointment.
Host: That's disgusting.
Author: Yes. I'm sorry.
Host: Why did we have you on? Oh look, I've heard about this. It's not a lot, but some people are leaving.
Author: Sometimes it takes awhile.
Host: This is so stupid.
Author: Yes. Should I go?
Host: (coming apart) I don't care.

Emmanuel Parody

I am sorry. This is inevitable. It is what it is:

O Come, o come Rahm Emanuel
And be the mayor of Chicago
Our leaders left us stranded deep in debt
Asian carp have not reached us yet
Rejoice Rejoice Rahm Emanuel
Shall come to you Chicago

O Come, o come Rahm Emanuel
And be the mayor of Chicago
We don’t care where your house may be
If you can lead our great city
Rejoice Rejoice Rahm Emanuel
Shall come to you Chicago

NPR Rant

I may be one of the last people to listen to radio in my car. As that may be, there is one radio station that really upsets me. I love the WBEZ jazz shows that are on late at night. Every so often, the station choice rotates around and I find myself listening to the NPR news feed on WBEZ. Understand that I have invited you into my car but I may not have chosen to give you my undivided attention. For one thing, I am driving. Admittedly, I also hate beer commercials, opera; many things irritate me. However, no one else makes purposely-rude and dangerous noises just to attract my attention. If something you say interests me, I will attend to your program. Being rude will not help.

When I hear a soft car horn within my car, the implication is that there is a loud car horn outside my car. When it turns out that the segment is trying to convince me that they are on a busy street corner in Islamabad, I have eleven other preset stations to turn to.

The most terrifying noise you can hear while driving:
-beep, beep, beep.

The sound of a truck backing up, they often use to announce that the segment is coming from a construction site.

Sirens, babies crying, whistles, gunfire, none of these in any way provide information or entertainment. If the story needs goosing, maybe it’s not that good a story.

It is clear that the people who produce and the stations, like WBEZ, who purchase NPR never listen to their programs in a normal day-to-day context, too busy listening to books on their iPods.

I Love Robo-Calls

The hardest part about participating in elections is betrayal. When my candidate votes for nerve gas, endorses Richard Daley over Harold Washington or signs off on the Tarp bailout, victory turns to ashes. In fairness, it’s hard to see how the president could have gotten in front of that train. Still, when I receive the perfect litmus test for selecting candidates, I am deeply grateful. What are we looking for in an elected official? We want them to have enough empathy and common sense to recognize how their positions and decisions are going to affect our lives.

Does anyone like robo-calls? Can you imagine anyone, candidate or otherwise who happily receives a robo-call? Why do candidates assume that we are in some way different from them? A robo-call tells me that this person has too much money and is anxious to spend it in self-defeating ways. Thank you, I wasn’t sure before, but now I am confident. I keep a written list because it’s difficult to remember the names. Sometimes I can just check off a sample ballot. I’m not always sure about a negative robo-call, so I just give it a slight positive weight.

I was able to confront one candidate, he started his spiel and I said:
-You called me!

He actually tried to explain that he had the right to do that. He didn't have a clue. I have heard of legislation limiting robo-calls. Please don’t, it’s the best screening device available.

Auto Repair

A twelve-year-old child can slimjim the door, peel the wheel and be gone with your car in about five minutes. If he’s thirteen, it will take him another five to reset the radio stations. Yet it takes two trained mechanics a solid hour to change a light bulb. If the light bulb is in the dash, your steering will be forever after out of alignment. Why can’t they design cars, so it takes an hour to steal them and five minutes to change the light bulb?

I blame advertising. They keep trying to convince us that cars have something to do with sex. Hear me America: CARS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX. MOTELS, MOTELS HAVE TO DO WITH SEX.

Speaking of seat backs, when I run into something there’s all sorts of protection, airbags and seat belts. However, if I am so stupid as to be in someone else’s way and they slam up my rear: well I shouldn't have been there, should I, and just to make sure I understand that, my reclining seat back is going to break and not only won’t I ever be able to walk again but I’ll never have to worry about sex either.

If you don’t believe me, next time you’re in a dealership examining one of these overpriced, digital, plastic, interest bearing, depreciating assets, instead of kicking the tires or slamming the doors, try putting one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the seat back, throw your shoulders into the Sampson routine and watch that sick puppy snap right off.

2400

USS Uhuru on a secret peacekeeping mission to the Lambda quadrant suddenly drops out of warp.

The captain is speaking:
-Why is it always the Lambda quadrant? What’s their problem? What happened?

-We are out of warp.
An officer replies.

-I know that, why?

-There’s a diagnostic.

-What does it say?

-It says:

14357-e, Early end DATECNVT\seclib system ended.

-What?

-It says:

-I heard you. What does that mean?
The captain interrupts.

-I don’t know.

-Life support inactive.
Says a second officer.

-What do you mean inactive? Computer, override life support. I said computer…Are we under attack?
Asks the captain.

-All the computers are down.
Replies the officer.

-What do you mean, down?

-They’re not working.

-Why?

-Permission to be on the bridge.
Jones, a black human, from maintenance and first contact has entered the bridge.

-What is it?
Says the captain.

-The New Year, 2400.

-OK, and that’s a problem because?

-The date routine must have a bug.

-We don’t talk like that on my bridge.

-I've taken history of data processing.
Says Jones.

-Some body actually took that class?

-A bug is a programming error. Is there a diagnostic message?

-It’s over here.

-Then this must be the main console.

-We have many consoles.

-It thinks it’s the main console. Oh no, please don’t let it be UNIX.

-Castrated males?

-U N I X. Oh no, we don’t even have a keyboard.

-A what?

-Excuse me, did you say keyboard?
One of the bridge officers asks.

-Yes.

-There’s a plate in this locker that says something about keystroke equivalents, is that what you want?

-I guess so. Oh dear.

-Tetsilla, help him with this. Tetsilla has excellent memory.
Says the captain.

-I think we want to enter, start UNIX.
Jones tells Tetsilla.

-U N I X?

-Yes.

-Then what?

-Enter. No, don’t type enter. There should be an enter key.

-Oh, I see it. What does it mean, invalid parameter enter?

-Hit the enter key again.

-Enter UserID. What?

-Type r-o-o-t.


-Now it says enter password. What’s an enter password?

-That’s a command.

-To do what?

-Type password and hit enter.

-The word password?

-Yes.

-Invalid password. Should I type valid password?

-No. Try stud muffin, but as one word.

-Invalid password.

-Secure1.

-Invalid password, hey it kicked us out.

-Start over, but without typing enter.

-Look under the console, there’s something written under there.
Says one of the bridge officers.

-What were you doing under the console?
Asks another officer.

Jones looks under the console.
-Try Gandalf.

-Nothing.
Says Tetsilla.

-I think that means it worked.

-Now what?

-Type help and then hit the enter key.

-It’s not a key.

-You know what I mean.

-This is crazy; we’re running out of air.
Says an officer.

-How long till we run out of air?
Says another bridge officer.

-I don’t know. We don’t have a computer.

-I think it’s a couple of hours.

-How long is this going to take?

-Type menu and hit enter.
Says Jones, ignoring the discussion.
-Move the cursor over there.

-How?
Asks Tetsilla.

-With the move cursor arrows.

-I can hold it down?

-I don’t know, can you?

-It’s there.

-Hit enter.

A display appears.
-What’s that?
Asks Tetsilla.

-A list of files. DATECNVT is on it. Type menu and hit enter. Now scroll down. See that’s a scroll bar. Yeah there, stop.

-Where’s stop?

-We went too far, now back up.

-Oh, I get it.

-Ok, we want the editor. Put the cursor over that icon and hit enter.

-This is religious?

-Picture then.

-Is it new?

-No.

-It wants a file name.

-DATECNVT.

-It’s a blank screen, I guess that worked.

-Hit the help key. This is too much for me Tetsilla; can you read all this help?

-Let’s see…I think I have it.

-We want to list the source.
Says Jones.

-I think that’s L *. Yup.

-OK, scroll down.

-It doesn't scroll; we have to page forward. What is this stuff?

-COBOL
Says Jones.

-It keeps talking about 2100.

-Yeah, that wasn’t a leap year. It was a big disaster. 2400 is a leap year.

-Maybe it broke on the division.

-It’s done that before. However, the remainder hasn’t been zero before.

-It hasn’t? Oh, right. I didn’t see this display message.

--Display ‘Century Leap Year’.

-You think that display will actually display? That’s interesting. Maybe we’re restricting the messages. Go back to the main menu.

-Which icon?
Says Tetsilla.

-Profile.

-Messages is 1.

-Make it bigger.

-99?

-Sure.

-It made it 4.

-Fine. Computer.
Nothing happens.

-The computer’s down.
Says Tetsilla.

-How do we make it up?

-Maybe we start it.

-What do we start?

Tetsilla types:

-Start Computer.

--Operating system not available.
Jones repeats:
-What does it want? I remember, try Baldwin.

-What’s Baldwin?

-It used to be a brand name.

-A what?

-I’ll explain later.

-Now, we have two error messages.
Says Tetsilla.

-It worked.

-It did? No it didn’t.
The captain says.

-We have two error messages.
Jones responds.

-Oh, splendid.
Says the captain.

--File SYSOUT missing.
-What does that mean?
Tetsilla asks.

-It didn’t display the message
Says Jones..

-So, it did break on the division.

-No, it broke on the display. Display is an output command.

-Why would they want that message coming out all the time?
Asks Tetsilla.

-Exactly, it must have been for testing.

-So, we should add the file.

-No, we should remove the display.

-Change the source?
The captain’s voice rises.
-No one’s changed source in centuries.

-Well we are.
Says Jones.

-There will be an inquiry.
Says the captain.

-Let’s hope we’re there for it.
Jones tells the captain. Then he says to Tetsilla:
- Go back into the editor. We have to delete that line.

-The delete key isn’t working.

-You’re at the end of the line. How do we get to the beginning?

-See it’s not working.

-I think you have to back up on it.

-Degundagocabawawa! In an orifice! What was the matter with those people?

-You got it Tetsilla. How do you know Lundai?

-Great lets start the computer.
The captain interrupts.

-Not yet, we have to recompile. Not yet Tetsilla. Did you save the source?

- We still have our two messages. What’s recompile?
Tetsilla asks.

-Back to the menu.
Jones explains.

-I don’t see recompile.

-Maybe under source management…We want one of the COBOL ones. Try that one.

-The source name is DATECNVT, it wants a library.
Says Tetsilla.

-Try SECLIB.
Says Jones.

-End of statement, invalid delimiter. Is that our line number?
Asks Tetsilla.

-Let’s go back and look at it.
Says Jones.

-Is it done?
-The captain asks.

-We have a compiler error. We’re missing a period. Right there.
Says Jones.

-You’d think it would know.
Tetsilla says. This time the compile works, and the computer starts.

-Great work Tetsilla, back to your posts everyone.
Says the captain.

-Computer, are you the most current version? Did we start the right one?
Jones asks.

-I have the right version.
The computer responds.

-Did you start it?

-Now I did.

-I thought you sounded different.
Says the captain.

-The other computer systems are down.
Says the computer.

-Well, bring them up.

-I am not authorized to make those modifications.

-The password is Gandalf.
Says Jones.

-I’m not supposed to know that.

-We trust you a lot more than we trust ourselves.
Jones says.

-Captain am I authorized to do this?

-I authorize you. Please computer, bring up the other systems.
Responds the captain.

-All systems up except life support.
The computer says.

-Well, bring up life support.
The captain says.

-The password is invalid.
The computer answers.

-But you know where the password is stored.
Jones says.

-You want me to hack life support?

-Yes.

-Captain, am I authorized to hack life support?

-Please computer, hack life support.

-There will be an inquiry.
The computer says.

-Are you going to tell them?
Jones asks.

-An inquiry would be a less than optimal use of our resources. Life support is active.
The computer says.

-Communications are down.
Says the communications officer.

-What? Computer diagnose communications.
Says the captain.

-Communications are functioning, no one is responding.

All the non-humans glance at each other. Most of them where contacted by humanity rather than the other way around and it is common to view humans as an imposition.

-No one else took that course.
Tetsilla says to Jones:
-What was your grade?

-I dropped it. It was too silly. Computer, can you fix the other computers?

-You want me to hack Starfleet?

-Please computer, hack Starfleet.
The captain says.

-Should I fix the other computers too?

-Yes, please fix the other computers.

-Uhuru, this is Starfleet command. We have been experiencing a temporary computer malfunction; please give us a status.

-Uhuru enroute to Lambda quadrant.

The captain says.

-Did you also have this problem?

-It appears to be corrected now.

-Keep us informed, Starfleet out.

-You heard them, back to your posts everyone. Let’s go.

What Is Cancer?

The treatment for cancer has not changed appreciably since the 1950’s. Someday people will look back on this as the dark ages. The horror is not that there is experimentation on people, but that there isn’t. For most forms of cancer, we don’t even know the base rate of remission. The treatment for cancer usually starts with radiation; the major side effect of radiation is bleeding. This is followed by surgery; the major side effect of surgery is debilitation. Then there is chemo, the idea behind chemo is to poison you nearly to death in the hope that you will come back and the cancer won’t. We don’t know how to treat cancer. It would make more sense to be trying everything, mustard, vinegar, talcum powder, whatever, in controlled studies, than repeating the hopeless therapies that we are doing over and over with nothing learned.

The current theory is that under repeated insult the cell's DNA breaks thereby losing its growth regulation. This is a two-step process. After the initial damage, the cell over-propagates but it is not yet cancerous. The abundance of these cells provides the opportunity for the next breakdown of the cell’s growth regulation; that is cancerous.

Sui genesis has had little success in medicine. In this case, I suspect the degradation of the cell represents a reversion to earlier cell behavior. I believe fungus is the model for the unregulated cancer cell.

Cancer behaves as you would expect nature to behave that is it is opportunistic. Invariably there is some initial damage, hormone imbalance, nicotine poisoning, wound or infection. This is, as you would expect for any natural attack. Although bacteria and virus can provide the conditions for cancer, cancer is not viral or bacterial. Fungus is an odd sort of semi-crystalline life form that we don’t understand too well. Essentially, it spores and fruits. Cancer metastases and tumors. I’ll give my self some wiggle room and suggest that cancer is fungal in nature. For that matter, coral is fungal in nature.

Back in the 1930’s it was noticed that people who get tuberculosis don’t have lung cancer. It was attempted to treat lung cancer by infecting those patients with tuberculosis with some success. This treatment didn’t catch on. However, is suggestive in that fungi and bacteria are often antagonistic.

Bowdlerized Melville

Just recently, there was a school shooting and all the children interviewed used the word surreal. I actually did have a surreal experience in college. It was a liberal arts college called Shimer, based on the great books where we used original sources except for a few textbooks and this one instance: Moby Dick. Moby Dick is a young people’s adventure story. Why out of all the books assigned, including Ulysses, was this the only abridged version? I had read Moby Dick before and something was nagging at me throughout the class. It wasn't until later when I happened across a cheap version of the book that I realized that not only was our version abridged, it was bowdlerized.

They had replaced all the Voudun imagery with Christian themes. For instance, the ending where a bird is smashed against the mast with a hammer instead had three masts sinking into the ocean. I still remember Professor Andy Armstrong, the Marlboro man who allowed us to smoke in class as long as they were Marlboros; he had been in advertising and had been used in the first mock up of the ad, pontificating over the three masts descending into the ocean, with feeling.

Melville had never written that. We were required to write long essays on the religious themes of Moby Dick. I wish I could tell you that we took poor old Andy to task. I wish I could tell you that any of us remembered our child hood reading and were horrified. I wish I could tell you that Andy himself was in on the joke. I don’t think so.

I had met C. L. R. James a few years before; he had written a book of criticism on Moby Dick when he was interred by immigration called Mariners Renegades and Castaways: The Story of Herman Melville and the World He Lived In. I even bought a copy. He pointed out that the Pequod represented the ship of state. I’m sure he recognized the Voudun imagery but was disinterested.

Years later I began to realize just how wondrously subversive Melville is. He holds every tenet of accepted teenage belief up to ridicule; what better use of an adventure story? People talk about the relationship between Jim and Huck Finn, in the start of the book, Melville has Ishmael and Queeqeq sharing a bed, hey no big deal. There are three great American novels: Moby Dick, Huckleberry Finn, and The Natural. In all three, our great sin is naivete and we are duly punished for it. In order for a book to be popular, it must have a happy ending. In Moby Dick the whale wins, he was minding his own business; they were looking for him.

If Shimer didn’t like the book why include it? If they did, why gut it? I have this vision of some secret stipend dictating the syllabus, ala Pynchon. More realistically, I have to believe that even as they love the story, the great mediocrity recognize a threat, and in this peculiar way validate Melville’s vision.

I did try to bring up the idea of the degeneration of the ship into fascism. Andy said
-You’re putting me on.
Which even then I thought, was grossly unfair.

Yuppie Bean Salad

We have the opportunity to explain the cosmos, plumb the depths of human consciousness, solve the world’s problems, what do we do? Exchange recipes: this one started when I became dissatisfied with brown rice. Unless I cook it with meat in a pilaf, no matter how long I boil it, it is crunchy. I discovered that when I boiled it with beans it became soft. There are any number of rice and beans dishes, hopping jack comes to mind, but none that I am aware of that boil the rice and beans together.
Whatever proportion of rice and beans that you prefer. Boil until the beans are soft enough for you. Perhaps that is the secret; maybe we have more patience for beans, or maybe the beans beat the rice. If you use red or black beans, you will get a purple or gray glop and if you are American, you might use that in chili. I find navy, pinto, lentils or chickpeas preferable. Chickpeas taste elegant boiled with brown rice.
If you are one of those obsessive people who determine the exact proportion of water to use so that you do not waste a drop without burning the pan then good on you, the rest of us will boil until the beans are soft then dump it into a colander.
If you are from Wisconsin, you will melt cheese over it. What can’t you put in this? Cheese, okra, succotash, maybe succotash is OK, green beans, breadcrumbs, hard-boiled eggs or corn. Parsley works, carrots, tomatoes, in the winter if you have a favorite canned vegetable, fennel, almost anything mild. Then of course add olive oil and balsamic vinegar.
This will keep; it’s a good bachelor dish. Serve with almost any wine and bread. Eat as much as you want, it’s good for you. I've noticed that it seems to help muscle pain.